call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
