Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
