i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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