I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
