you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
