My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
