It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ladies don't puke and tell
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
