The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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