and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
