Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
