1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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