i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
