Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
