just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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