I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
