Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
