If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
