the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
