We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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