so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
