why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
