Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
