i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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