I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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