i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
