I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Randomize
