from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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