he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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