he told me I talked like a deaf person
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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