oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
