omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
