Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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