you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
