you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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