i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
