I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
