Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
