I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
