You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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