I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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