Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
