The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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