She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
