When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
