living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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