when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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