In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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