Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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