so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
