I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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