I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
