just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
