My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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