textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
