After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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