using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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