Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I am one with the molecules
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
