I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
